Being me means that on days like today I will wake up and my emotions will be a floodgate to all the tears I hold inside. It means that despite my emotional state I will go to work, I will serve my Lord, I will place others first, and I will smile even though all I want to do is crawl in my bed and lay there until this day passes.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been having moments where I question God. I ask Him why he has made me this way. Why He has made me this person that sits here in front of this screen willing to lay it all out and have others see what lies inside. I ask Him to help me see myself as He sees me because I am struggling these days.
Some days I can't look at myself at all and I avoid thinking by hoping I can keep busy enough and then being exhausted because I have succeeded. I try to make plans and fill every moment so that I don't have to feel.
I am far enough away from home to keep this at bay from the family from the friends who have been here with me before and at the same time desiring that they were right here right now.
Yet, I can't say I am despairing because I am not. I can't say I don't see a point because I may not know it but I know it is working itself out. This is my paradox that my emotions may appear hopeless yet I am filled with hope. I am filled with joy that allows me to experience this suffering and not let it be my whole definition.
So, today is not the best day, but I am trying and I am here. I am praying and asking Him to show me that who I am is exactly who I need to be and it serves His kingdom.
Today when I am honest and I say that I am tired of being alone without a partner to share the joys and not greatest days; that I wish I didn't have to come home to an emptiness that I try to fill with loveliness. Today I wish it was 5 years from now and this would all be a faded memory. I know no relationship will fulfill me and make my struggles disappear that is not what I desire. I just want to come home to someone who will accept me just the way I am all broken and sad at times, emotionally disturbed at others and I want to be able to send a text with the fact that today sucked and receive encouragement or a reciprocation.
So today I pray for patience that I will stop seeking this attention in the wrong places, that I will have grace on my imperfections, and that I will not give up hope because God knows where He needs me to be right now.
