Lifeline: anxiety

I first started struggling with some anxiety about a year and a half ago. Two of the worst anxiety attacks happened while driving my brother from the airport and driving back from work last Thanksgiving.

My mom was scheduled for a small but still invasive procedure and had been postponing it for a while. I was on break from teaching and working for black Friday weekend at a local outlet.

On both occasions the symptoms were the same. I started to feel like I was having trouble breathing and concentrating. I had no idea what brought this on. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular.

The 20 minute drive from work seemed endless but I couldn't stop. I just wanted to get home.

The drive with my brother was harder. I had to pull out of the freeway and get out of the car to walk a bit. I was embarrassed. Up until then I had not shared with anyone that this was happening.

Then this week it happened again while I was driving home from work. It hit me so fast and I tried pulling over but couldn't find a safe spot. Nothing felt safe at that moment. I called a friend who shares in this struggle. Talking and praying helped.

Part of me wants to play it off but another part feels some fear that it could get worse. I wonder the age old question of why? I am sure there are many factors but I don't want to think about them right now.  I almost see it as the last symptom in the battle with myself.

Anxiety Sucks
Depression Sucks
Phobias Suck

But I am not going to live in fear more than I can help. I am always learning how to help myself in these areas. I have to be more aware more observant and more careful.

I can't always overcome these moments the way I would hope, but I can choose to not let them define me so I pray. Lord grant me peace and strength and wisdom and allow me to feel grace during these moments.

Lifeline: Fear

I am sitting here listening to music that matches the emotions of this morning.

I imagine that I am at one of my favorite stopping points that I sit at during my hikes.

Next to me is one of my closest friends. He is often the one that in my imagination is the listening ear. Mostly because he has always listened with impartiality and has this strange ability to make me think of things from a different perspective.

I hug my knees to my chest and I ask him if I can share something with him.

I tell him that I have been struggling and that I have this great fear that I am having a hard time appeasing.

As 10th avenue north and Plumb play in the background I reveal this fear. First telling him about the struggling days...

I have been struggling with my emotions. Different triggers not all identifiable lead me to one moment be okay and the next feel like I have no control over this overwhelming sadness that overtakes my whole being. My heart hurts and things that made sense before start to no longer make sense. 

As it is happening my emotions turn to frustration and anger that I am going through this yet again and that I can't seem to stop it.
And the questions begin to rise...

Will it ever be different? Will I ever not be in this struggle against myself?

Then doubt and fear...

I start to ask myself who would want to commit to someone like me? Someone who has days like this? Who can love me enough to not see this as a burden but as a chance to love me more? Will there be someone who can understand and love me during these moments and is willing to have a life with me or have a family? Who would marry someone like me?

It's a fear...a real fear that takes my breath away confuses what I know to be true...

I know these moments do not define me...but today I am fearful...

And then that moment of being real starts to fade he disappears and I am here alone and not alone...

I am here sitting typing praying for faith and hope...knowing I am not the only one...knowing that today is a gift and asking for courage to face my fears...

Lifeline: Being Me Today

Being me means that on days like today I will wake up and my emotions will be a floodgate to all the tears I hold inside. It means that despite my emotional state I will go to work, I will serve my Lord, I will place others first, and I will smile even though all I want to do is crawl in my bed and lay there until this day passes.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been having moments where I question God. I ask Him why he has made me this way. Why He has made me this person that sits here in front of this screen willing to lay it all out and have others see what lies inside. I ask Him to help me see myself as He sees me because I am struggling these days.

Some days I can't look at myself at all and I avoid thinking by hoping I can keep busy enough and then being exhausted because I have succeeded. I try to make plans and fill every moment so that I don't have to feel.

I am far enough away from home to keep this at bay from the family from the friends who have been here with me before and at the same time desiring that they were right here right now.

Yet, I can't say I am despairing because I am not. I can't say I don't see a point because I may not know it but I know it is working itself out. This is my paradox that my emotions may appear hopeless yet I am filled with hope. I am filled with joy that allows me to experience this suffering and not let it be my whole definition.

So, today is not the best day, but I am trying and I am here. I am praying and asking Him to show me that who I am is exactly who I need to be and it serves His kingdom.

Today when I am honest and I say that I am tired of being alone without a partner to share the joys and not greatest days; that I wish I didn't have to come home to an emptiness that I try to fill with loveliness. Today I wish it was 5 years from now and this would all be a faded memory. I know no relationship will fulfill me and make my struggles disappear that is not what I desire. I just want to come home to someone who will accept me just the way I am all broken and sad at times, emotionally disturbed at others and I want to be able to send a text with the fact that today sucked and receive encouragement or a reciprocation.

So today I pray for patience that I will stop seeking this attention in the wrong places, that I will have grace on my imperfections, and that I will not give up hope because God knows where He needs me to be right now.

Lifeline: Relationships

Okay so instead of relying on the old fashioned method of meeting someone organically, I signed up for Catholic match. I have been on it for the past 2 years and tonight I deactivated my account.

Truth be told, I have nothing against online dating, but I really prefer the old fashioned get to know someone, venture into a date, and maybe a few dozen more then...do it...make it a long lasting life commitment.

I've been praying for my future husband something awful and for myself to be the person that he needs. Up until tonight I thought I knew what I was feeling about this part of my life, but I am not going to trust just my own emotions. I am going to let God do what He needs to do and I am going to do what pleases Him.

Simple plan: Follow God's plan.

I am not meant to be online looking for someone special. I am going to meet him, if I haven't already, and it is going to be done the good old-fashioned way:hanging out, getting to know each other, taking a leap of faith and going on dates.

We will see each other at our best and our worst. We will work through it all and decide we care enough to choose each other not because of anything else but because we make each other better people and we challenge each other to think openly but never to compromise our values.

It will be an amazing and adventure. It may not happen within the next year, but I know it will be exactly what it needs to be for both of us. We will conquer the world and travel with each other to many unknown unexplored realms of life.

This will not just be a fantasy; this will be more.  It will be all genres wrapped up in one because there will be romance, comedy, tragedy, coming of age, sci-fi, fantasy...etc and there will be games learned, music heard, and love so much freakin' love...

Lifeline: Silent Observer

In t.v. shows as in literature you have characters who blend into the background and eventually disappear all together or they remain an observant but not much mind is paid to their contributions if there are any in the first place.

In life it's the same, which makes sense since both those modes of sharing stories- t.v. and literature- are a mere representation of different life situations that we play into or try to get out of daily except exaggerated at time for different dramatic purposes.

For years I have been more of the observer in social settings, especially in my youth. Often when people reminisce about how great some moments were I cannot fully join in them, but I pretend for the sake of seeming to now be well adjusted and a woman who has overcome all social insecurities of her youth.

But they do not understand that as the observer, the silent minor character, I was not truly a participant in any of those moments. To tell the truth I hardly remember. I was so stuck during those years, silently crying to have a place among them but never obtaining it. I grew tired of pretending but even more tired of not fully letting go of this hurt over the years.

When we are young and full of insecurities a silent anger can build against the people who you wish had seen you and if that anger is not dissolved it becomes a grudge that hides and comes out in unexpected moments. However, as an adult I know what I did not know back then.

Back then I was not who I am today...I always had the potential to be this person but I was not confident enough to be myself. I tried, like all young people, to mold myself into someone people would need and would want around and would consider. It was not my time to be there and maybe it never would be or maybe it is yet to come. I won't pretend to know.

At this point of my life, I am not the most confident person. Far from it, but I am more me than I have been and if people appreciate who I am I am grateful because I am only trying to be who God has asked me to be in the lives of the people around me.

I am not good at conflict or having well versed answers seeded in research and facts. I however bring heart and if I am given enough time I can say exactly I what I am thinking and more often than not what needs to be said.

I second guess myself when I feel intimidated by those who seem so secure and appear to have it all figured out. I can often perceive the way God want to be in the person's life and it is hard for me to say anything because I often say what I should not, but thank God for His mercy and His words when I lack my own.

I am being who I was meant to be and I still fail and I have such hard internal days, but I choose to stay and live on and I am proud of myself. I have come a long way from 3 years ago when I could not find a place to hold onto or earlier this year when I entered such a state of depression I had never experienced. Even on days when I am not emotionally in the most desirable place I keep on...

Lifeline: A wreck of dreams

While I try to avoid writing in what seems like a dear diary moment, I just can't stop myself right now. Please be aware that this blog are my wandering thoughts.

So...DREAMS...

I keep having these great dreams. They are beautiful and make me so happy, but then reality sets in when I wake up and nothing has happened, nothing at all like in my dreams.  These dreams are an ongoing occurrence.

So in my dreams there is a constant guest appearance made by someone who is in my personal opinion...Awesome! This person has been around in these dreams for years and years. 

You see it would be different if the dreams were just normal dreams. But NO, they have to be these realistic dreams that ANNOY me upon waking up. I often ask God why?

Why must I dream of a person who protects me, accepts me, looks at me with such tenderness and hugs me with such care, ONLY TO wake up and have it all be gone. 

Subconsciously I think I know what all of this means and yet I AVOID IT like a plague because in my reality there is no open door to this dream. 

Sigh... and smile because at least the dream exists...

Lifeline: Dreams

Within the subconscious of a conscious mind
New worlds abound
Touching the untouched

Within the walls of sleeping thoughts
New horizons are imagined
Impossibilities are non existent

Within the space of none reality
New memories are built
Desolation is kept at bay

In my dreams I live
without restrictions
I live 

Lifeline: Inside Out

It's hard to overcome the darkest areas of my mind
and talking about it only makes it worse

How can it be that instead of getting better
I am moving backwards?
How can it be that with you by my side
It feels harder?

Too much awareness
Too much thought
Only Confuses my mind

No one knows the dark inside

But

I know your light
and YES, it makes it hard

Because

IT penetrates my soul

Without you
I would remain unaware
Blind to the darkness that abounds

I'd rather have it harder now
To reach the end with you
Than to live alone

And

Not live at all

Lifeline: My necessity for words

In words I find solace

comfort

companion

In words I lose myself

Confusion evaporates 

Healing abounds

In words I find sense amid my mind's chaos 

Amid the pounding of lies

Amid the torture of my own thoughts

In words I find myself

I loose myself

I grow in strength 

To breathe...breathe...breathe

Lifeline: With Eyes Closed

With Eyes Closed
I begin again
To breathe
To see
To live

With Eyes Closed
I take the next step forward
To a new road
To a new journey
To a new life

With Eyes Closed
I learn to be me again
To see me
To accept me
To love me

With Eyes Closed
I walk in faith
To live a new life filled with self love...