My story in Poem unfinished

She once was a child who didn't care
She danced and sang and she lived life unafraid
She had books filled with numbers addresses from long walk with Mama
She had a clown and purple bear they were her companions most of the time
But at an early age she experienced being set aside
It was the harsh words of others
the isolation from playing pretend
She wasn't the right color or the right size
So she learned that meant she couldn't be part of the fun
But know she wasn't always so afraid to be herself
But life threw her so much rejection at such a young age she believed it
She believed all the lies
It would take a lifetime to come to a point of healing from her childhood experience

She loved to learn and yearned to read
Spanish came first but it wasn't enough
She was told if she wanted to be have a voice she had to learn English
So she did
She learned to read from A Bargain for Francis
The only book she owned in that foreign and familiar language
She was dedicated
She worked hard to learn and be smart
Dedication she carried her throughout difficult night in high school because none of it came easy
There was no one to help and it wasn't anybody's fault
She was the first to experience this journey in this country that was not her parents but it was her own
Mentors guided her
Set her on the right path

But at an early age she had learned how broken lives break others
Not knowing better
She was the product of such brokenness
She heard from an early age how people like her never made it very far
Violence at home
Shouting, Screaming, Cops
Pizza to sooth the bellies of 3 then four children who heard it and saw it all
School began again and no one spoke about the weekend chaos and mess

She has words now, but she had none back then
She knew if she spoke up something bad would happen and it would be the end
Silence became her best friend
Even now silence sometimes still reigns

But God was always present
Prayers at night since she could remember
And more prayers learned when Ama Angelina and Apa Claudio moved in

The Raw Sad Poem

I'm sad

I'm sad that my heart still cares more than it should for you

That all parts of me still desire you
Your authentic friendship

After all this time I still foolishly hope

That you'll see me and desire to know me and love me too

Not an Eros kind of love

But the love of two people who just care

The kind of love that asks how are you

The kind of love that cares to know about my life
The kind of love that every once in a while receives a genuine message that says
let's get together and catch up 

I don't desire anything except to spend time with you as a real friend

A heartfelt desire that to me seems so simple
But it isn't is it
Who we are carries so much past that we can't get passed what has been said, the hurtful truths revealed that left my heart shattered and broken doubting if you've ever really known me

To Fall Asleep

So, I've been working super long days.
I love what I do.
But there are growing pains and real pains.
I am learning to balance having to be personally in touch with many people and making sure I remember to add everything to my calendar, but I make mistakes.
And it's hard when my mistakes make someone feel disrespected or unappreciated.
And saying I may be juggling too many things on my own is not a valid excuse but it's the truth. That's how it is right now.

I need volunteers but they're very slow in coming.
I am trying to be patient with myself, be responsible but not so hard on myself.
I'm not succeeding.
So tonight it hurts.

I love what I get to do.
Every part of it even this learning curve is precious.

But I don't feel good physically.
I can't always show my joy because my body hurts.
It can get better but it requires some real serious life changes and I feel like I am all alone in that.
I pray for the strength to be disciplined with my food but it's been so hard and now the daily aches and inflammation are overwhelming.
Right now my body needs more rest than usual but there is so much work to do.

I am sad over other life things that are out of my control.
I miss friends who aren't really around anymore.
That hurts so much.

But even though I feel lonely, I am not alone.
Even though I feel like such a bother and failure the truth is I am not.
I believe so many lies about myself.
I don't know when I'll stop.
I just know I need all of this out of my head to sleep tonight. 

Being and Being Present

Over thinking and analysing whatever you want to call it, it's draining. It's draining to think of all that was, is, and can be, especially when done insesantly about everything.

That's why, I think "being" is a gift. To come into being and an understanding of being it's our heart's desire. More people than I can attest to have tried to capture the idea of being, what it means to be and they have tried as I am, to explain it in writing and pass it down from generation to generation. The idea of being is the central theme in books, philosophy, history and in all of us.

But, what does it mean to be or to come into being? We see it in stories of people who are on a search of self awareness and in movies, and you tube channels. Really it is playing out in all the channels of life that are trying to say something about this whole being.

Why?

Because we are wired to ask who am I, why am I here, what is my purpose, where am I going, and how do I get there? We all ask these questions directly and indirectly and in so many words or no words. We go back and forth from epiphany to epiphany as we come into being.

Thomas Merton wrote about it. In fact his thought process of this concept is what ultimately led him to find truth. It led him to know God and desire to serve him and it freed him to be perfectly himself. He made mistakes, but we all have, and for me they don't detract from the gift of his writing, especially his early writing. It is a gift to the spiritual journey of man.

My own experience of being has led me to this decision. For me to come into being and be present so that I can move from the past, taking what I've learned, and move towards the future in full trust of our Lord, I have to let this blog go.

The present is my fixed point and only if I can face it with boldness and courage can I keep moving forward. Because the past couple of weeks, even though my heart has been hurting, I've been living. I've disconnected from things I loved or hid behind. I don't know who I am without these things, but I am enjoying finding out. I am enjoying not running from the pain that comes from acceptance. I miss him so much, but I miss myself more.

Being is a gift, knowing who I am in God is all I want. To learn to love myself and see myself as he does is all I want because thats what's going to let me love others how he desires. I can't keep going back to what has hurt me and made me doubt my identity.

I am precious, a precious daughter, so beloved by my Father. I want him to heal me, all of me, I want him to make me well. To keep being, I have to stop living in the past hopes I once had.

I am worthy of love and of being considered and not ignored. Never again do I want to forget my identity.

This is my last post here. When I come back, it'll be different. My words and the words of others I post will brew hope, enduring and everlasting hope, that comes from living life to the fullest.

💕

What lies ahead

What lies ahead
I do not know

My heart is mourning
Yet growing hope

Fertile land is my soul
Watered by faith and love
to journey on

These virtues work in sync
without each one
I am incomplete

What lies ahead
I do not know

My heart wants nothing more

Than to grow in trust and purity
To carry all of me
Body and soul into eternity

Lifeline: True Love

And I race

with this ardent heart
Forward on this journey
To you my beloved and only to you

My heart longs to be united to yours
To experience your heart beat with mine
To experience your heart beat beyond mine

And I race

with true devotion of the beloved
to my beloved
to my final destination
to my final communion and union with you my true love

Lifeline: Journey to Healing

I fell in love without knowing how to love. I fell in love with a friend. I fell in love while trying to figure out how to have healthy relationships and how to process my emotions without going to extremes.

The timing was wrong and I let my emotions dictate my conversations with him and I said things I wish I could take back. I acted in ways that I regret. I became the person I never want to be again.  Now it's no longer the same and I am trying to accept the changes that were bound to happen. I just wish it had all happened in a different way.

I fell in love but it didn't make me a better person. I won't go into details except to say that internally it did not make me a better person. So,what happens now?

Now I am healing. I'm healing my body, my soul, my heart and my mind.

I am forgiving myself this minute for having been confused in this friendship, for not accepting the reality of our relationship. In my own way I loved him but it's hard to love someone when you don't really love yourself. Love becomes distorted.

AND I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT.

Healing will take time.

I am focusing on my other friendships embracing the people who I have in my life at this moment. I am so grateful for their love and their support as I heal. They don't know the details they just know I need them right now. I need to spend time with them to remind myself that I am not a burden and that I am a good friend.

I am here in California sitting at Olive Market in Redlands. I have seen all my close friends and family and I have spent time really being present here right now. I am resting so that I can go back home more renewed but most importantly ready to keep living.

Life without this friendship is hard but not impossible. I know now if two people can't make each other better then that's not a good friendship. This doesn't have to be forever, but I have come to understand that it's exactly that possibility I have to accept.

Healing can't happen if I keep holding on to what is hurting me.

I can't keep holding on to the mistakes I've made. I am just so very sorry for the people I have hurt along the way as I have tried to learn to love myself.

But all I know is that HEALING IS POSSIBLE.

Blank Newly Edited

All I feel sometimes is a blank...I am here and I am doing what I need to do, what I know to be true. But these days it's hard to feel anything but sadness anything but such disappointment in who I am in what I don't have. These questions run through my head: Why isn't my life enough for me? Why am I not enough for myself? Where would I be if I didn't know the truth about God's love and that he has placed me here to serve?

I am glad that my mission and purpose in life (the reality) isn't dependent on how I feel.

I think I am scared to connect. I am scared to let people in because I fear becoming a bother or being too much for them or being treated as a default friend.

I feel this blankness more and more these days. I go on auto mode and work of off what I know is true. God is love, He loves me and He loves  those around me and so I have to ask Him for His love because my heart feels unable to connect.

It's hard to explain. But needed to let all of this out. Maybe get clarity as I keep writing it all out, maybe not.... (1:00pm)

2:17pm

I took these thoughts to prayer and as I was reading 33 days to Merciful Love exactly what I have been feeling was being described, it took me off guard and comforted me all at the same time.

Today's reflection was on three words that summarize St. Therese's Little Way: recognize, trust and try. And in reading what they were describing, I realized that I am recognizing the darkness of my littleness and brokenness but I am getting stuck in the trusting and trying. I have to trust in God's goodness and keep trying and not get discouraged or despair. I can see now that these are the spirits I have been struggling with discouragement and despair. I read my initial post and I can see it clearly now.

I have to remember I am not alone, my strength lies in the Lord, he does not abandon me. My prayer is that I remember to go to the Lord during these moments to turn to prayer.

If you read this and you pray, pray for me and if you don't send positive thoughts my way and thanks for reading this post from my heart to the world.