Lifeline: Poem: Journeying

Who am I

To live as if I am dead
To live as if no one cares
To live as if there is no one who loves me
To live as if the world owes me something
To live as if I deserve what I have without gratitude?

Who am I

To live only for myself
To live ignoring those who care
To live without being present
To live in resentment?

Who am I

To hold on to a past that brings me death
To hold on to people who are free to be without me
To hold on to anger that creates bitterness and darkens my soul?

Who am I

Not to accept forgiveness and forgive others
Not to accept love and love others
Not to accept that I am enough and so is everyone around me
Not to accept how fearfully and wonderfully I am made and so is the person next to me?

Who am I

But a person on a journey
Walking slowly to eternity

Which way I live and not live
What I hold on to and let go of
What I accept and not accept
What I live for and not live for

Will determine my final destination

Lifeline: Taking a Chance:Coming to the Dessert to find my Oasis to find my Home

Normally I am not a fan of long titles but there it is:

Taking a chance means that you stop wondering if something is possible and you go for it, because the idea that you don't weighs you down more than if you did. I have taken many a chance in my life and I have become a stronger person because of that even when it has caused me pain.

But I no longer have any regrets. Taking chances means I get answers, although sometimes they are not the answers I want, they are answers none the less. I am more at peace with those answers than having always to wonder what if.

Ask people. I may not seem like it but I am a risk taker. Sometimes they are small risks that only I am aware of and sometimes huge ones like moving to Arizona. Here is how I have been feeling about this risk I took almost 8 months ago.

This past Saturday I got hit by a huge wave of homesickness as I was coming back from the store and getting dinner ready for friends. I tried hard to control my emotions because well who wants to greet their friends with snot on their nose and puffy red eyes?

I was distraught. But, I couldn't stop that wave of emotions coming at me. I felt the strong desire to see my family to get a beer with my friends at one of the local Redlands brewery.  In that moment of emotional distress two thoughts came into my head; "why did I come here?" and "why don't I go home?"

You see moving this far from my family and friends has been difficult.  What made it difficult were the reasons why I did not move.

People often move because they want to get away from something, but I didn't leave California because life was hard, quite the opposite. There were many great things in the horizon:

1. I had a savings which was growing and with which I was getting ready to use to purchase a home this year in Yucaipa, Mentone, or Redlands. 
2. I had a well paying job and I was going to be teaching the older middle school students, many of whom I had the past year. Not to mention, I was going to be working with a solid team of teachers (although in all fairness I had grown disillusioned with public school education). 
3. I was actively involved in my parish youth ministry program and was super excited to be starting another year of ministry with my team, whom I love very much.
4. I had(have) amazing friends there and my family was close by and even willing to take me in as I resettled after moving out of my apartment. 

But when I visited one of my dearest friends in Arizona and we went hiking in Sedona my heart yearned for the peace I found there. Out in the middle of such an amazing landscape my heart refocused on God and new passions started to stir in my whole being. I was saddened at having to turn away from the red dirt formations and finding myself having to head back to my previous life. All the while there was a sense that I was where I needed to be.  

My soul only received more confirmation during mass and dinner that Sunday after the hike, when for the first time in many years I was together with two people that I have known for a long while. As we shared about life, and my friend talked about Arizona something about what she shared sounded so appealing to me.

It drew me into a whirlwind of thoughts. I had already been contemplating leaving my teaching profession to go back to work in ministry full time or at least teach at a Catholic School, so why not do it somewhere other than California, why not a different state?

All I can say is that the drive back to my friend's place was life changing. I sat there as we drove down the freeway and I contemplated the thought of moving to Arizona. In retrospect it was a thought that had briefly crossed my mind two years before during my first visit, but which had quickly dissipated, but now it seemed like a close reality. I knew then and there I could take my savings and move, maybe not right away but I could do it. The thought took my breath away. 

That night before going to sleep I started researching for openings in the diocese of Phoenix and surrounding Catholic schools. I found three positions and printed out their information ready to drive back to California the next morning. 

When I decided that I was going to leave my district, I started the process of looking for temporary jobs. In being faithful to the desire God has instilled in my heart I applied to those positions in Arizona and within 3 weeks I was getting ready to move again. 

I left everything. And although it was not easy, I encountered peace as I followed God's call. As I drove that hot August day through the long 10 freeway and arrived to Arizona (stopping to take a picture of the "Welcome to Arizona" sign) I knew I was where I needed to be. 

This dessert has become my Oasis. I often think "I needed to come to the dessert to find my oasis." I have no distractions here from perusing the will of God and it keeps me accountable because I cannot blame anyone when I do not follow His will. I have come to realize how much more God wants my heart. Not only that, but I have come to know and love myself more because I have had to rely on His friendship above all else. 

Recently I went into a lapse in my depression but I have sought help and I am moving forward. I am choosing to live abundantly and take from every moment the rest and the adventure that they offer and I am loving people near and far in different ways. 

So I was homesick, and I may continue to feel that wave of homesickness for a bit longer, but I also know that I am home.

I took a chance and I am a better person for it and being here I am not done taking chances and I know that what is to come may not be what I expect but I know it will be a beautiful and grand adventure.

Is God asking you to take a chance, to risk for sake of following His call?

Lifeline: What He Reveals

I won't try to explain what is going on with me these days, but let me tell you what the Lord is revealing.

He shows me how loved I am by people who choose to love all of me despite my obvious flaws

He reveals my flaws so I can choose Him, He knows alone I can not overcome them

He does not leave me alone; He keeps sending me to people and people to me so we can encourage each other in our passions

He encourages me "don't give up"

He tells me through others, "You matter" and they tell me I make their lives better.

So, I stop wanting to disappear and erase all of who I am
and
I start to see how bright the sun is shining
how much beauty I can see.
And I do see it, I see all the beauty in the small things, and now I need to see the beauty in me.

What He is revealing is truth about us