Lifeline: Sunsets

I chase the colors
sunset, twilight, night
Street after street
shade after shade
Until the colors change
Until the colors disappear and are replaced
by the darker side of night
Until I cannot catch my breath
I run after them
and when I stop
I am sad to say goodbye
the same colors will never be again

Lifeline: Writing it out

Writing when done honestly can reveal much more than anticipated and can be the lifeline we need to keep sane and to keep things in perspective and to find peace.

Today was one of those days when it is tempting to fall into a place of self-pity. While as an educator you are told never to take student comments personally you can't help but do exactly the opposite. Teaching in middle school is definitely helping me in acquiring a thicker skin, but still not thick enough.

One student made a comment about how I am unclear and it hurt because it was one of many comments today.

Recently it feels like my student's comments are hitting at the core of my personal struggles. You know those things we find ourselves sighing about which feel are unchangeable.

I've always had a problem with being clear. I know what I want to say but the words that come out are not simple and to the point no matter how hard I try. While I have not found a cure for this, I am learning to accept it as a trait which can get better with time.

Then there was the student who keeps calling me names and reminds me of my constant struggle with my weight which I don't seem to have the will-power to fight.

So, in an attempt to not feel like I am about to explode I turn to writing. Writing not on a facebook post in which I no longer find the need to share my deeper inner struggles but rather here on my own space where maybe a few but not many or any might see. Writing in an attempt to find some emotional freedom during days like these; a way to find communion with myself and maybe others. Writing all the emotions out so that I can breath again and no longer feel like I am suffocating. Writing so that I can find some way out, some way to deal with the overwhelming desire to scream. Writing to find the answer.

So as I await the moment when I will have such a thick skin that any comment made will no longer hurt, which I am not sure is within my grasp, well, or better put: As I wait for my own acceptance of my shortcomings to set in and my ability to take away all power from others to hurt me I will write it all and thus live to fight another day.

If it were not for writing I don't think at this moment I would realize that the core issue is not the students who call me names or who make hurtful comments, but rather the love and acceptance of myself by me.

Lifeline: Amor

Si no fuera por el pasado no fuera quien soy y quien seré.
Prefiero un corazón roto que nunca haber conocido el amor contigo.
Dios siempre sabe que es lo mejor.
Olvido lo que dolio perderte porque necesito seguir adelante pero nunca te olvidare a ti.
El amor que compartimos y los momentos de felicidad.
Me dicen que el primer amor nunca se olvida.
Cierto, ahora lo puedo comprobar.
Sin embargo te dejo ir.
Dios me a sanado este corazón para amar y dejarme amar por El.
Que le pido a Dios?
Que te cuide, que tu corazón sea de nuevo para El.
Oro que te sane de todo dolor como me ha sanado a mi.
Oro volverte a ver aqui o en otra vida...
Oro que nunca te abandone y que algún día lo adoremos juntos.

(If it were not for my past I would not be who I am and who I will be
I'd rather suffer this broken heart than to never have known love with you
God always knows what he is doing.
I'll forget the pain of losing you because I need to keep moving forward but I will never forget you.
The love we shared and the moments of happiness.
They tell me that you never forget your first love.
True, now I have proof.
None the less I let you go.
God has healed my heart to love and let me loved by Him.
What do I ask God for?
That he take care of you and that your heart one day may belong to Him again
I pray that he heal you from all the pain as He has healed me.
I pray that I see you again in this life or the next...
I pray that He never abandon you and that one day we may worship Him together. )

Lifeline: Image of Fall

There was an image created in my mind last night as I listened to a song being played melodious on guitar. Now I am trying, attempting to capture it with words. Later I hope to find the perfect fall image. It is hard to capture what we perceive in our minds.

Image of fall

Its the warmth that surrounds us
As we walk hand in hand
beneath the pathway of fall
together we stand

Trees overarching
Reaching out to each other
A warm embrace from one to another

We resemble their stance
Intertwined strong and firm
With a subtle grace
We know our worth

From one end to the other
We keep lightly our step
Not out of fear but out of respect

One in union with creation
The leaves take us in
We are forever of each other
This is our destiny

Lifeline: living

Everyday needs to be lived. We need to learn to look at our plaguing thoughts face them and let them know we are boss not them. Often I have let my dreams and emotions lead my days. Recently I was healed from a great weight. A gift was given in mending my heart. I realize that if I'm not careful I can start tearing my heart apart again and this truth that has set me free can be lost not because it is no longer truth but because I choose to bring it to the open again. Every day of life is a gift and living each day is a choice. 

Lifeline: Being

When we let the sacred come into our lives there are unexplainable moments in which we just have to be. Often entering into the state of being takes the utmost energy which is why not many find themselves in this state in life. But when we are just who we need to be without hesitation we find a freedom that transcends understanding. 

Lifeline: Mother's Concern

Little can be done when lacking motivation. What motivates you when you feel no real worth for yourself?

Mothers or mother figures can be the motivation we often need as we drag around this world unable to find the reason to do anything. When  my mother shows concern for my well-being and I know it is an added pressure in her life, it draws me to attention. From within the depths of despair and idiocy I start to emerge and life starts to click. Not necessarily out of care for myself but out of care for my mother who has sacrificed enough for all of her children.

So while at this moment I am starting to take better care for her sake, I hope to someday be taking care of myself for my sake.

Lifeline: Poetry

 

Release

 

Music doesn't hurt anymore

Words that speak truth

don't sting like before

All notes melodious

mix to bring life

a new story arises

from the depth

of  these hearts

they go on

on...on...

and

on

 

---------

You see there is power in the words we speak the words we write. How we express the unexpressable the desiring heart too shy to say much, but oh the power they carry can break you apart and build you up.

 

Augies

 

In the least likely place

behind the door of a small space

Brick walls all aorund

strangers abound 

the smell of coffee

the smell of tea

bring life

to the wandering artist 

Music and Words surround

these walls

life's poetic art lives

 

Beauty of life at a coffee shop...Redlands CA

Lifeline: Kindness

Simple acts of kindness can make a world of a difference in a person's life and in a whole community.

I was grading some of my students work just a minute ago and one student wrote this simple reminder: Don't forget to smile. Wearing my heart on my sleeve is completely applicable to me. In all my 27 years of life I have never been able to hide my emotions or my state of being. To be so kindly reminded to smile was unexpected and a true act of kindness.

I am surrounded by this kindness that often seemed illusive from my life a few months ago. At work I am met with smiles upon entering a room or seeing a student's face.

How silly it may seem to desire these acts in whatever form they may come but they bring so much joy to my heart because they show what I have always known. We are not meant to be alone.

One kind word is all I need and I know that one kind word is what I must also give.

Lifeline: Understanding the idea of "letting go"

Without a doubt "letting go" or the concept of "letting go"is one of lives anomalies. We want to let go of everything that stops us from advancing from moving forward in life but often are incapable of such a change. It is by far one of the hardest trials in life. Let go of all that was lived to the point of erasing all traces. Unfathomable to the common mind it is renouncing a whole lifetime a whole past.

Maybe it seems impossible to let go because we look at it as an absolute. "Let go" is often used to tell a person forget it all and stop letting the situation affect your life. Unfortunately it is not that easy and it is a phrase that needs deeper understanding. Letting go like forgiveness is not an instantaneous moment in time. On the contrary, it a subtle change of the mind and often of the heart. It is a daily transformation like conversion which does not happen upon the exact moment you claim Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

No, Letting Go is much more complex, but like everything in life it takes one step. If we do not find ourselves taking that first step to let go then we will never be free. Freedom is often what we seek when we are bound to the past and when we seek to let go.

Lifeline: The Classroom

One moment and the days have gotten heavier. Surging through me are doubts about the future about who I am as a person wanting to be accepted and loved for being me and none else and fearing that is not enough.

Every morning that I drive to work I am filled at first with dread because I am often tormented by my thoughts by a past I cannot seem to let go and a future that is unknown. But then I turn the corner and the sun blinds me off of 55 and I reach my destination suddenly filled with determination. 85 faces await for me every day. They have turned into a lifeline; a hope that strengthens me and challenges me to not give up. In their way over the past 6 weeks they have been the constant in my life. 

How little do they know of how they impact my life on a daily basis, maybe it isn't the same for other teachers; maybe they have families and other responsibilities in which they are needed, but in my classroom that is the only space I feel needed. 

Having this space this lifeline when I am about to break down and when cannot find my way out of the sadness that still fills my heart is a blessing. Those moments when I catch my breath and feel like I am going to drown because I cannot remember what I am doing with my life or I feel like I am just a mess of a person I am thankful for every face. It is not for them to know how much I care for every single one of them even if at times I mess up their names. 

It saddens my heart to have to leave them soon and I wonder what will become of me?

Lifeline: Family

Family may not always be what we want but it can often prove to be the best lifeline we have. How many times dont we finde ourselves seeking out to be understood everywhere possible only to realize at home might be the place where we are most understood during the crazy moments of life. I am not perfect and over the past couple of months I keep trying to make up for this guilt I feel inside. Sometimes how I feel about myself is not pretty by any means. Often I cannot see what others see in me. Accomplishments mean nothing because all I can see are the mistakes the way I was not good enough for this person or that person for this job or that job and all the insecurities play with me toss me around with no clear deatination. In the end I am left feeling out of control.

Tonight it wasnt too bad, but it was enough for me to reach out to another  lifeline, my sister. She is the type of person who says what she thinks and doesnt hold back. In all honesty she can be a little scary but that is only because she loves passionately. Over the years I have realized how much she has stood up for me and I had no idea what she was doing in trying to protect me sometimes from myself. Its out of love and I am thankful to have someone so strong on my side when I am weak and cannot find my way out of the lies in my head.

She reminded me as I was struggling tonight that I am a good person and that I am worth more than I can imagine because I am a child of God. Those were the key words I needed. Maybe your key words are different and maybe the people you consider family are not blood related but when you go to them they give you life with their words. These are the people that know you defects and all and love you despite them and help you to see the good when all you can see are the mistakes. It is a lifeline that cannot be replaced.  

Lifeline: Texting

So one of the hardest things in life is seeing people leave your life forever, especially if there was a romantic component. While my personality does not like the limitations imposed when people break up, I have had to live by them since the other people involved do live by those social norms. These include the idea that you cannot be friends and all communication must cease, which is sometimes a case by case outcome. Regardless to be wiped out completely from someones life is painful. Unfortunately what can make it worse is having your world be so connected with that person's world that everywhere you go there is literary a reminder of them which pops up at inconvenient or unexpected moments. For example, going to one of the counselor's offices to get information for your students and running smack into the picture of that person for whom you no longer exist. Added to this that somehow you were looking for that picture in the first place which only adds another level of complexity. What follows is that moment of wanting to reconnect to send a dumb message that will not change anything, "Hey your counselor still has your picture" in false affirmation because ultimately it is done more out of selfishness out of fulfilling my own desires. Luckily there was a lifeline and I texted a friend who encouraged me to stay strong. I asked her to call me later and check to see if I remained strong, because that tempting moment is often too persistent. One text can be a lifeline and one response can help someone not to fall back on their resolutions those promises they have made to themselves about the new life they want to live. Staying strong during the small tempting moments is going to be what sees me through the harder moments to come.

Lifeline: Another Lifeline?

While I fight against these waves of deep seeded sadness I realize I need more help than I thought. After trying all the natural ways of battling with these depression it is now time to give in to trying some medication. It is a moment I have been dreading. I ask myself, will it be a lifeline that will help me or will it lead me down another road I do not want to be on, dependent on a medication that I may never be able to leave. But in reality the days are recently a little harder to deal with and I don't let myself dwell on the emotions too long, but it is tiring even when I give them their space they start to distract me from important parts of my life which must be done. Due to the constant interference in my thoughts and how I feel about myself I recognize I need more help, but there is fear and I wonder-will this be another lifeline? Only time will tell.

Lifeline: Entertainment

So one of those nights. One of the struggles of overcoming depression is accepting the moments when emotions seem all over the place. Over the past couple of years as I have come in and out of depression I have learned how to accept this tag along friend. Fighting it by ignorance or ignoring it is not a viable option. Why? Well ignoring it seems to only make it grow stronger. So an array of emotions in the span of an hour as I drove back from a meeting engulfed me and seemed to want to drag me down a road I did not want to follow. I started to sing and I started to talk to God and I laid it all down whether it made sense or not. Then I just told my unwanted companion that I would not ignore it but I would not give into the lies it presented. You see we all have our own way of dealing with this miscreant that can plague our lives nonstop. One of the most important and vital components of overcoming depression is having a plan whatever strategies that work for you. But the night was not over when I drove into town, going to my studio was not an option when I felt so low. Outside of a local coffee shop I parked and a song titles "Overcome" began to play and I knew it was for me; a gift to battle off all those lies. Soon I made my way into the coffee shop and sat down to grade but found myself wanting something to entertain me and fun. So here are two links of the video I watched. Sometimes I can not believe how much we limit ourselves in regards to our creativity ability. In life we need moments of pure entertainment especially when our emotions want to run us. So hope the links work. Life is all to short and we must live to the fullest being the best of ourselves we are wonderfully made always...

Lifeline: Welcome

We all need a lifeline every once in a while; a place where we won't feel so alone when that is our state of life or mind. In our humanity it is natural to struggle with the feeling of loneliness once in a while, although I do believe there are those who are blessed to not struggle as much. We were definitely not created to be alone, which is why we will often find ourselves seeking others out wanting to connect in one way or another. Because this desire to have companionship is engraved in our hearts we will do what we can to fulfill it and often it takes us on a search for those lifelines we can connect with in more than a superficial manner. Join me and let us be lifelines for one another. It is a simple proposal intended to fulfill that desire of connectivity in a positive, affirming, and life-giving space at Lifeline.