Ruffles

 Russell, 

I love you and have for a long time, but that is something I could never tell you. I may have had feelings for one or two other gentlemen but really how much of that was co-dependency and how much of it wasn't is hard for me to tell. But you, well you I have grown to appreciate despite how different we are from each other. I have often felt I am not smart enough and I think I have lived out of so many insecurities in our friendship, which is why we find ourselves in this place right now. 

I will never be able to say how sorry I am for the hurt I have caused you. But I am and I do think that is all I can say. Your card on my birthday broke my heart but I was so grateful to have you at my side. Your arms around my shoulders being able to lean into your heart, it is my favorite place to be. I can never tell you this, I can never tell anyone this. 

Returning

 It has been years since I have been on this site. 

I remembered it the other week and realized maybe this online diary of sorts could be my way of expressing myself right now. 

In some ways I have grown and in some ways I remain the same. 

Today I find myself stagnant and recent situations make me feel like the deep core of the parts that don't bare fruit remain rooted and holding fast. 

I am reactive when I feel like someone is not appreciating me. I perceive not being valued thorugh people's responses or lack of responses. 

In all honesty much of my mindset often first focuses on what is missing, what has gone wrong or is going wrong and so much of my focus is on my past actions. 

To say that I feel trapped does not reach the depths of the pain I feel in my mind which manifests itself in my body.

I loved someone very much and I became co-dependent. Subsequently, things unraveled as has to happen in such situations, I hit rock bottom. I lost the trust of the person I cared about the most in that season and spent three years trying to build trust again, only to realize it was not possible. 

When trust is lost it requires both people to be able to say they trust again and in all honesty that is nearly impossible.

I had and continue to have to start over again. It's tiring having to start over again and finding myself lacking the desire more and more.  

Tired

Today I feel tired
My dreams plaguing me
Reminding me of the trust lost
Why
Pridefulness
How do you come back
from the past?
How do you make amends?
I feel a trauma in my heart
Heartfelt anxiety
Am I destined to fail?

I am getting up
I am forcing myself to keep going
I am going to you first
because going to others
doesn't work

Lord Help Me.

Anger

I was terminated last Wednesday. Terminated, what kind of word is that. It makes me feel disposable. I wasn't even worthy of a warning. I worked for a church, which only make the hurt and anger worse. How is it that we can treat each other like, like the work and effort were for nothing. I know its not true but that is how it feels. Yet can I blame them. Was my attitude 100 conforming to the expectations? Expectations that led to this false sense of community. I put my people first and I don't regret it, but I do regret my pridefullness not responding how I should have with more respect. I myself didnt feel respected and it takes a bigger person than me to respond that way. I am not the bigger person, but I want to be and I know God can help me I cant see how right now but I know He can. I am devestated but I try not to be or pretend I am not I am.

Heavy

Everything feels heavy
My heart
My head
I just want to disappear
I want it all to stop
I want to not feel sad over nothing
God has present all day
But tonight it doesn't feel real
None of what should feel real feels re
I just want to dissapear

Sad always sad

How do I feel tonight?

Tonight I cant stop crying. Why? I have no real reason. I have people that love me that love me so much. But I don't feel good. I feel like nothing like no one. This is why not even the convent will take me. Its proof that none will ever want to take me. These moments of unexplainable sadness. Sadness over people who have chosen to not be my friends who have chosen to cut me out consciously or not. But it's not just that. That's the surface and I cant get deeper than that. I am drowning in myself. And there's noone to help. God I am so sorry for being this person.

Sadness and Sorrow

Sadness envelopes moments out of nowhere
The kind of self-pitying sadness you talked out against
You're right
So help me to grow
Help me be strong
To speak hope into the days that carry so much weight
To know that my worth is more than people who reject me
Who don't even know me , who never knew me, who so easily let me go
Because the truth is that sorrow for the loss of them in my life can be surpassed
Or maybe not
Maybe my mind will win and my will will die