Lifeline: Relationships

Okay so instead of relying on the old fashioned method of meeting someone organically, I signed up for Catholic match. I have been on it for the past 2 years and tonight I deactivated my account.

Truth be told, I have nothing against online dating, but I really prefer the old fashioned get to know someone, venture into a date, and maybe a few dozen more then...do it...make it a long lasting life commitment.

I've been praying for my future husband something awful and for myself to be the person that he needs. Up until tonight I thought I knew what I was feeling about this part of my life, but I am not going to trust just my own emotions. I am going to let God do what He needs to do and I am going to do what pleases Him.

Simple plan: Follow God's plan.

I am not meant to be online looking for someone special. I am going to meet him, if I haven't already, and it is going to be done the good old-fashioned way:hanging out, getting to know each other, taking a leap of faith and going on dates.

We will see each other at our best and our worst. We will work through it all and decide we care enough to choose each other not because of anything else but because we make each other better people and we challenge each other to think openly but never to compromise our values.

It will be an amazing and adventure. It may not happen within the next year, but I know it will be exactly what it needs to be for both of us. We will conquer the world and travel with each other to many unknown unexplored realms of life.

This will not just be a fantasy; this will be more.  It will be all genres wrapped up in one because there will be romance, comedy, tragedy, coming of age, sci-fi, fantasy...etc and there will be games learned, music heard, and love so much freakin' love...

Lifeline: Silent Observer

In t.v. shows as in literature you have characters who blend into the background and eventually disappear all together or they remain an observant but not much mind is paid to their contributions if there are any in the first place.

In life it's the same, which makes sense since both those modes of sharing stories- t.v. and literature- are a mere representation of different life situations that we play into or try to get out of daily except exaggerated at time for different dramatic purposes.

For years I have been more of the observer in social settings, especially in my youth. Often when people reminisce about how great some moments were I cannot fully join in them, but I pretend for the sake of seeming to now be well adjusted and a woman who has overcome all social insecurities of her youth.

But they do not understand that as the observer, the silent minor character, I was not truly a participant in any of those moments. To tell the truth I hardly remember. I was so stuck during those years, silently crying to have a place among them but never obtaining it. I grew tired of pretending but even more tired of not fully letting go of this hurt over the years.

When we are young and full of insecurities a silent anger can build against the people who you wish had seen you and if that anger is not dissolved it becomes a grudge that hides and comes out in unexpected moments. However, as an adult I know what I did not know back then.

Back then I was not who I am today...I always had the potential to be this person but I was not confident enough to be myself. I tried, like all young people, to mold myself into someone people would need and would want around and would consider. It was not my time to be there and maybe it never would be or maybe it is yet to come. I won't pretend to know.

At this point of my life, I am not the most confident person. Far from it, but I am more me than I have been and if people appreciate who I am I am grateful because I am only trying to be who God has asked me to be in the lives of the people around me.

I am not good at conflict or having well versed answers seeded in research and facts. I however bring heart and if I am given enough time I can say exactly I what I am thinking and more often than not what needs to be said.

I second guess myself when I feel intimidated by those who seem so secure and appear to have it all figured out. I can often perceive the way God want to be in the person's life and it is hard for me to say anything because I often say what I should not, but thank God for His mercy and His words when I lack my own.

I am being who I was meant to be and I still fail and I have such hard internal days, but I choose to stay and live on and I am proud of myself. I have come a long way from 3 years ago when I could not find a place to hold onto or earlier this year when I entered such a state of depression I had never experienced. Even on days when I am not emotionally in the most desirable place I keep on...

Lifeline: A wreck of dreams

While I try to avoid writing in what seems like a dear diary moment, I just can't stop myself right now. Please be aware that this blog are my wandering thoughts.

So...DREAMS...

I keep having these great dreams. They are beautiful and make me so happy, but then reality sets in when I wake up and nothing has happened, nothing at all like in my dreams.  These dreams are an ongoing occurrence.

So in my dreams there is a constant guest appearance made by someone who is in my personal opinion...Awesome! This person has been around in these dreams for years and years. 

You see it would be different if the dreams were just normal dreams. But NO, they have to be these realistic dreams that ANNOY me upon waking up. I often ask God why?

Why must I dream of a person who protects me, accepts me, looks at me with such tenderness and hugs me with such care, ONLY TO wake up and have it all be gone. 

Subconsciously I think I know what all of this means and yet I AVOID IT like a plague because in my reality there is no open door to this dream. 

Sigh... and smile because at least the dream exists...