Ruffles

 Russell, 

I love you and have for a long time, but that is something I could never tell you. I may have had feelings for one or two other gentlemen but really how much of that was co-dependency and how much of it wasn't is hard for me to tell. But you, well you I have grown to appreciate despite how different we are from each other. I have often felt I am not smart enough and I think I have lived out of so many insecurities in our friendship, which is why we find ourselves in this place right now. 

I will never be able to say how sorry I am for the hurt I have caused you. But I am and I do think that is all I can say. Your card on my birthday broke my heart but I was so grateful to have you at my side. Your arms around my shoulders being able to lean into your heart, it is my favorite place to be. I can never tell you this, I can never tell anyone this. 

Returning

 It has been years since I have been on this site. 

I remembered it the other week and realized maybe this online diary of sorts could be my way of expressing myself right now. 

In some ways I have grown and in some ways I remain the same. 

Today I find myself stagnant and recent situations make me feel like the deep core of the parts that don't bare fruit remain rooted and holding fast. 

I am reactive when I feel like someone is not appreciating me. I perceive not being valued thorugh people's responses or lack of responses. 

In all honesty much of my mindset often first focuses on what is missing, what has gone wrong or is going wrong and so much of my focus is on my past actions. 

To say that I feel trapped does not reach the depths of the pain I feel in my mind which manifests itself in my body.

I loved someone very much and I became co-dependent. Subsequently, things unraveled as has to happen in such situations, I hit rock bottom. I lost the trust of the person I cared about the most in that season and spent three years trying to build trust again, only to realize it was not possible. 

When trust is lost it requires both people to be able to say they trust again and in all honesty that is nearly impossible.

I had and continue to have to start over again. It's tiring having to start over again and finding myself lacking the desire more and more.