Lifeline: The Classroom

One moment and the days have gotten heavier. Surging through me are doubts about the future about who I am as a person wanting to be accepted and loved for being me and none else and fearing that is not enough.

Every morning that I drive to work I am filled at first with dread because I am often tormented by my thoughts by a past I cannot seem to let go and a future that is unknown. But then I turn the corner and the sun blinds me off of 55 and I reach my destination suddenly filled with determination. 85 faces await for me every day. They have turned into a lifeline; a hope that strengthens me and challenges me to not give up. In their way over the past 6 weeks they have been the constant in my life. 

How little do they know of how they impact my life on a daily basis, maybe it isn't the same for other teachers; maybe they have families and other responsibilities in which they are needed, but in my classroom that is the only space I feel needed. 

Having this space this lifeline when I am about to break down and when cannot find my way out of the sadness that still fills my heart is a blessing. Those moments when I catch my breath and feel like I am going to drown because I cannot remember what I am doing with my life or I feel like I am just a mess of a person I am thankful for every face. It is not for them to know how much I care for every single one of them even if at times I mess up their names. 

It saddens my heart to have to leave them soon and I wonder what will become of me?

Lifeline: Family

Family may not always be what we want but it can often prove to be the best lifeline we have. How many times dont we finde ourselves seeking out to be understood everywhere possible only to realize at home might be the place where we are most understood during the crazy moments of life. I am not perfect and over the past couple of months I keep trying to make up for this guilt I feel inside. Sometimes how I feel about myself is not pretty by any means. Often I cannot see what others see in me. Accomplishments mean nothing because all I can see are the mistakes the way I was not good enough for this person or that person for this job or that job and all the insecurities play with me toss me around with no clear deatination. In the end I am left feeling out of control.

Tonight it wasnt too bad, but it was enough for me to reach out to another  lifeline, my sister. She is the type of person who says what she thinks and doesnt hold back. In all honesty she can be a little scary but that is only because she loves passionately. Over the years I have realized how much she has stood up for me and I had no idea what she was doing in trying to protect me sometimes from myself. Its out of love and I am thankful to have someone so strong on my side when I am weak and cannot find my way out of the lies in my head.

She reminded me as I was struggling tonight that I am a good person and that I am worth more than I can imagine because I am a child of God. Those were the key words I needed. Maybe your key words are different and maybe the people you consider family are not blood related but when you go to them they give you life with their words. These are the people that know you defects and all and love you despite them and help you to see the good when all you can see are the mistakes. It is a lifeline that cannot be replaced.  

Lifeline: Texting

So one of the hardest things in life is seeing people leave your life forever, especially if there was a romantic component. While my personality does not like the limitations imposed when people break up, I have had to live by them since the other people involved do live by those social norms. These include the idea that you cannot be friends and all communication must cease, which is sometimes a case by case outcome. Regardless to be wiped out completely from someones life is painful. Unfortunately what can make it worse is having your world be so connected with that person's world that everywhere you go there is literary a reminder of them which pops up at inconvenient or unexpected moments. For example, going to one of the counselor's offices to get information for your students and running smack into the picture of that person for whom you no longer exist. Added to this that somehow you were looking for that picture in the first place which only adds another level of complexity. What follows is that moment of wanting to reconnect to send a dumb message that will not change anything, "Hey your counselor still has your picture" in false affirmation because ultimately it is done more out of selfishness out of fulfilling my own desires. Luckily there was a lifeline and I texted a friend who encouraged me to stay strong. I asked her to call me later and check to see if I remained strong, because that tempting moment is often too persistent. One text can be a lifeline and one response can help someone not to fall back on their resolutions those promises they have made to themselves about the new life they want to live. Staying strong during the small tempting moments is going to be what sees me through the harder moments to come.

Lifeline: Another Lifeline?

While I fight against these waves of deep seeded sadness I realize I need more help than I thought. After trying all the natural ways of battling with these depression it is now time to give in to trying some medication. It is a moment I have been dreading. I ask myself, will it be a lifeline that will help me or will it lead me down another road I do not want to be on, dependent on a medication that I may never be able to leave. But in reality the days are recently a little harder to deal with and I don't let myself dwell on the emotions too long, but it is tiring even when I give them their space they start to distract me from important parts of my life which must be done. Due to the constant interference in my thoughts and how I feel about myself I recognize I need more help, but there is fear and I wonder-will this be another lifeline? Only time will tell.

Lifeline: Entertainment

So one of those nights. One of the struggles of overcoming depression is accepting the moments when emotions seem all over the place. Over the past couple of years as I have come in and out of depression I have learned how to accept this tag along friend. Fighting it by ignorance or ignoring it is not a viable option. Why? Well ignoring it seems to only make it grow stronger. So an array of emotions in the span of an hour as I drove back from a meeting engulfed me and seemed to want to drag me down a road I did not want to follow. I started to sing and I started to talk to God and I laid it all down whether it made sense or not. Then I just told my unwanted companion that I would not ignore it but I would not give into the lies it presented. You see we all have our own way of dealing with this miscreant that can plague our lives nonstop. One of the most important and vital components of overcoming depression is having a plan whatever strategies that work for you. But the night was not over when I drove into town, going to my studio was not an option when I felt so low. Outside of a local coffee shop I parked and a song titles "Overcome" began to play and I knew it was for me; a gift to battle off all those lies. Soon I made my way into the coffee shop and sat down to grade but found myself wanting something to entertain me and fun. So here are two links of the video I watched. Sometimes I can not believe how much we limit ourselves in regards to our creativity ability. In life we need moments of pure entertainment especially when our emotions want to run us. So hope the links work. Life is all to short and we must live to the fullest being the best of ourselves we are wonderfully made always...