Lifeline: Writing it out

Writing when done honestly can reveal much more than anticipated and can be the lifeline we need to keep sane and to keep things in perspective and to find peace.

Today was one of those days when it is tempting to fall into a place of self-pity. While as an educator you are told never to take student comments personally you can't help but do exactly the opposite. Teaching in middle school is definitely helping me in acquiring a thicker skin, but still not thick enough.

One student made a comment about how I am unclear and it hurt because it was one of many comments today.

Recently it feels like my student's comments are hitting at the core of my personal struggles. You know those things we find ourselves sighing about which feel are unchangeable.

I've always had a problem with being clear. I know what I want to say but the words that come out are not simple and to the point no matter how hard I try. While I have not found a cure for this, I am learning to accept it as a trait which can get better with time.

Then there was the student who keeps calling me names and reminds me of my constant struggle with my weight which I don't seem to have the will-power to fight.

So, in an attempt to not feel like I am about to explode I turn to writing. Writing not on a facebook post in which I no longer find the need to share my deeper inner struggles but rather here on my own space where maybe a few but not many or any might see. Writing in an attempt to find some emotional freedom during days like these; a way to find communion with myself and maybe others. Writing all the emotions out so that I can breath again and no longer feel like I am suffocating. Writing so that I can find some way out, some way to deal with the overwhelming desire to scream. Writing to find the answer.

So as I await the moment when I will have such a thick skin that any comment made will no longer hurt, which I am not sure is within my grasp, well, or better put: As I wait for my own acceptance of my shortcomings to set in and my ability to take away all power from others to hurt me I will write it all and thus live to fight another day.

If it were not for writing I don't think at this moment I would realize that the core issue is not the students who call me names or who make hurtful comments, but rather the love and acceptance of myself by me.