Lifeline: Fear

I am sitting here listening to music that matches the emotions of this morning.

I imagine that I am at one of my favorite stopping points that I sit at during my hikes.

Next to me is one of my closest friends. He is often the one that in my imagination is the listening ear. Mostly because he has always listened with impartiality and has this strange ability to make me think of things from a different perspective.

I hug my knees to my chest and I ask him if I can share something with him.

I tell him that I have been struggling and that I have this great fear that I am having a hard time appeasing.

As 10th avenue north and Plumb play in the background I reveal this fear. First telling him about the struggling days...

I have been struggling with my emotions. Different triggers not all identifiable lead me to one moment be okay and the next feel like I have no control over this overwhelming sadness that overtakes my whole being. My heart hurts and things that made sense before start to no longer make sense. 

As it is happening my emotions turn to frustration and anger that I am going through this yet again and that I can't seem to stop it.
And the questions begin to rise...

Will it ever be different? Will I ever not be in this struggle against myself?

Then doubt and fear...

I start to ask myself who would want to commit to someone like me? Someone who has days like this? Who can love me enough to not see this as a burden but as a chance to love me more? Will there be someone who can understand and love me during these moments and is willing to have a life with me or have a family? Who would marry someone like me?

It's a fear...a real fear that takes my breath away confuses what I know to be true...

I know these moments do not define me...but today I am fearful...

And then that moment of being real starts to fade he disappears and I am here alone and not alone...

I am here sitting typing praying for faith and hope...knowing I am not the only one...knowing that today is a gift and asking for courage to face my fears...