Blank Newly Edited

All I feel sometimes is a blank...I am here and I am doing what I need to do, what I know to be true. But these days it's hard to feel anything but sadness anything but such disappointment in who I am in what I don't have. These questions run through my head: Why isn't my life enough for me? Why am I not enough for myself? Where would I be if I didn't know the truth about God's love and that he has placed me here to serve?

I am glad that my mission and purpose in life (the reality) isn't dependent on how I feel.

I think I am scared to connect. I am scared to let people in because I fear becoming a bother or being too much for them or being treated as a default friend.

I feel this blankness more and more these days. I go on auto mode and work of off what I know is true. God is love, He loves me and He loves  those around me and so I have to ask Him for His love because my heart feels unable to connect.

It's hard to explain. But needed to let all of this out. Maybe get clarity as I keep writing it all out, maybe not.... (1:00pm)

2:17pm

I took these thoughts to prayer and as I was reading 33 days to Merciful Love exactly what I have been feeling was being described, it took me off guard and comforted me all at the same time.

Today's reflection was on three words that summarize St. Therese's Little Way: recognize, trust and try. And in reading what they were describing, I realized that I am recognizing the darkness of my littleness and brokenness but I am getting stuck in the trusting and trying. I have to trust in God's goodness and keep trying and not get discouraged or despair. I can see now that these are the spirits I have been struggling with discouragement and despair. I read my initial post and I can see it clearly now.

I have to remember I am not alone, my strength lies in the Lord, he does not abandon me. My prayer is that I remember to go to the Lord during these moments to turn to prayer.

If you read this and you pray, pray for me and if you don't send positive thoughts my way and thanks for reading this post from my heart to the world.