Lifeline: Journey to Healing

I fell in love without knowing how to love. I fell in love with a friend. I fell in love while trying to figure out how to have healthy relationships and how to process my emotions without going to extremes.

The timing was wrong and I let my emotions dictate my conversations with him and I said things I wish I could take back. I acted in ways that I regret. I became the person I never want to be again.  Now it's no longer the same and I am trying to accept the changes that were bound to happen. I just wish it had all happened in a different way.

I fell in love but it didn't make me a better person. I won't go into details except to say that internally it did not make me a better person. So,what happens now?

Now I am healing. I'm healing my body, my soul, my heart and my mind.

I am forgiving myself this minute for having been confused in this friendship, for not accepting the reality of our relationship. In my own way I loved him but it's hard to love someone when you don't really love yourself. Love becomes distorted.

AND I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT.

Healing will take time.

I am focusing on my other friendships embracing the people who I have in my life at this moment. I am so grateful for their love and their support as I heal. They don't know the details they just know I need them right now. I need to spend time with them to remind myself that I am not a burden and that I am a good friend.

I am here in California sitting at Olive Market in Redlands. I have seen all my close friends and family and I have spent time really being present here right now. I am resting so that I can go back home more renewed but most importantly ready to keep living.

Life without this friendship is hard but not impossible. I know now if two people can't make each other better then that's not a good friendship. This doesn't have to be forever, but I have come to understand that it's exactly that possibility I have to accept.

Healing can't happen if I keep holding on to what is hurting me.

I can't keep holding on to the mistakes I've made. I am just so very sorry for the people I have hurt along the way as I have tried to learn to love myself.

But all I know is that HEALING IS POSSIBLE.