Lifeline: Silent Observer

In t.v. shows as in literature you have characters who blend into the background and eventually disappear all together or they remain an observant but not much mind is paid to their contributions if there are any in the first place.

In life it's the same, which makes sense since both those modes of sharing stories- t.v. and literature- are a mere representation of different life situations that we play into or try to get out of daily except exaggerated at time for different dramatic purposes.

For years I have been more of the observer in social settings, especially in my youth. Often when people reminisce about how great some moments were I cannot fully join in them, but I pretend for the sake of seeming to now be well adjusted and a woman who has overcome all social insecurities of her youth.

But they do not understand that as the observer, the silent minor character, I was not truly a participant in any of those moments. To tell the truth I hardly remember. I was so stuck during those years, silently crying to have a place among them but never obtaining it. I grew tired of pretending but even more tired of not fully letting go of this hurt over the years.

When we are young and full of insecurities a silent anger can build against the people who you wish had seen you and if that anger is not dissolved it becomes a grudge that hides and comes out in unexpected moments. However, as an adult I know what I did not know back then.

Back then I was not who I am today...I always had the potential to be this person but I was not confident enough to be myself. I tried, like all young people, to mold myself into someone people would need and would want around and would consider. It was not my time to be there and maybe it never would be or maybe it is yet to come. I won't pretend to know.

At this point of my life, I am not the most confident person. Far from it, but I am more me than I have been and if people appreciate who I am I am grateful because I am only trying to be who God has asked me to be in the lives of the people around me.

I am not good at conflict or having well versed answers seeded in research and facts. I however bring heart and if I am given enough time I can say exactly I what I am thinking and more often than not what needs to be said.

I second guess myself when I feel intimidated by those who seem so secure and appear to have it all figured out. I can often perceive the way God want to be in the person's life and it is hard for me to say anything because I often say what I should not, but thank God for His mercy and His words when I lack my own.

I am being who I was meant to be and I still fail and I have such hard internal days, but I choose to stay and live on and I am proud of myself. I have come a long way from 3 years ago when I could not find a place to hold onto or earlier this year when I entered such a state of depression I had never experienced. Even on days when I am not emotionally in the most desirable place I keep on...